bummed

So today I find myself bummed… while there are many other words I could use, such as angry, sad and scared, I think that bummed is a good summary. I have officially scheduled my spinal surgery- April 7^th. I am trying to accept that I am not improving and that I am risking loosing my muscle function by avoiding surgery, but this is easier said than done. I have worked so hard the past 3 years to complete graduate school, while balancing home, school and work, and here I am 6 weeks before graduation faced with a choice to make… graduate and possibly not regain my left arm strength or have surgery and delay graduation.  Not to mention the risks associated with spinal surgery or anesthesia. It’s weird, because I have had 3 surgeries prior to now, and had no problem with recovery or anesthesia, but these were all prior to having Emilia. The thought of something happening to me that allows me unable to care for her just scares me senseless and frankly makes me cry. When a baby is going to be born premature, the mother gets a “NICU consult.” This is where the neonatal nurse practitioner goes in and basically tells the mom what to expect with her baby- everything that could possibly go right or wrong. This week I did my first consult. The mom came in with extremely elevated blood pressure and was going to have an emergency c-section, and I went in to talk to her prior to delivery. She was teary and I could see she was scared, but I reassured her that her baby should do well and that babies are born frequently at this gestation and do well, but I could see how fearful she was. Her baby’s delivery was routine to me, and I was right, he was fine, but today as I went to my appointment and spoke with my doctor, and he gave me the same “routine” speech, I could relate to the fear I saw in her face. Lucky for my doctor, I deal with my fear with dry sarcasm, and I actually told him I may be willing to sacrifice my left arm function permanently to avoid surgery, but the truth was, I was only partly joking. It’s not so bad being weak in the left arm, and if I did not want to have more children, I would not have surgery, but the truth is I could not pick up a child right now if my life depended on it. I can do my job, and function at home with the help of Chris, but I could not lift a little one at all. Emilia is old enough I don’t have to carry her, but I want more children… many more, and I need to be able to hold and carry them, so I feel as if I have no choice, unless Chris and I give up our dream of a large family. It’s a difficult decision either way. So surgery is in 2 weeks, but I will be exhausting all options until then and am scheduled for my 1^st  decompression therapy with cold laser therapy next week at my chiropractor’s office. I am praying for a miracle from God, to get complete feeling and muscle function back, but regardless of what happens, I do know God’s plan is perfect, and I am learning more than ever to rely on Him, and maybe that is just what His plan is for me.